the reason

As you all know, my blog went hiatus a few couple of days back. Alright, weeks. But to me it was a couple of days. In fact, my whole stint in Nilai felt like it was packed into one miserable week. It felt just like yesterday I made that call to my PJ friends and telling them how I want to throw myself off Block C if I have to stay there any longer. Didn't throw myself obviously - but now, I have a recurring fantasy of putting the said block on fire. Haha. Honestly, I think I will write my typical emotastic piece on how I am going put the damn block into fire. Yes, yes, yes. Lately, I have this fascination with fire - what gives?

I think there is a possibility of me shutting this blog completely. Gg was right, I will get used to not blogging and will get sick of doing it. I guess there's a number of reasons for that but I will explain later. However, I don't think I'll do that now. I know that some my friends use my blog as to know what's happening with my life now so for the sake of that, I won't shut it down. But you might not see me being actively blogging. But I will check you out! :D

Ok, the reason I put my blog into hiatus the other day:

1. I got paranoid. Haha. Well, you see, a few weeks before the hiatus, I found out that my lecturer's sister, who is also a UIA student from my batch - holla Anisah! - found my blog. I got crazy freaked out because well, my blog isn't exactly... decent. Haha! As in, I swear like crazy a lot! Plus, there is another side of me that most UIA people do not really see. And I would like to keep it that way.

I have a reputation in UIA. It's a boring one if any one of you are getting excited. Haha. I am usually known among my lecturers as a good student who finishes her assignments and get good grades. Yes, I AM A DORK IN UIA - KANAK KANAK SKEMA. I wish people would stop calling me a nerd. Would a nerd skip a day of classes to attend a Live N Loud Concert?? I don't think so! This whole 'nerd' thing is pissing me off actually. I am not a nerd! I have A LIFE. I DO THINGS. Some people think I study during the weekends. LIKE HELLO?

Wait, I am going off-tangent here. Anyway, the main reason is I am scared of this particular lecturer finding my blog. And possibly rereading it during her free time. Why? Because I've dissed her a lot in my blog. haha. Plus, she is extremely biased. EXTREMELY. Thus, to save my skin, I put this on hiatus so that she won't treat me unfairly in class for no apparent reason. This is the main reason.

2. My blog was depressing the hell out of me. I admit that I have a habit of voicing out whatever I feel in my blog without prior thinking. My blog is my place to vent. And the last few weeks in Nilai was a really hard time for me. Happiness was fleeting. I felt down all the time and I felt like I was at the edge of a precipice. And during that time too, I was blog-hopping and saw all these people with happy or at least content blog posts. And I was so envious. I was thinking, 'Why am I not happy like this??'. Stupid, I know, but doesn't stop me from thinking of that. Then, I read my blog and saw how depressing it is. And that depressed me further. And I was sick of it all.

I made up my mind that if I was depressed, it was bad enough that I feel it let alone to remind myself of it? So, I shut down my blog so I can stop posting posts that reminds me how depressed I am. It's a bit of self-delusion. HAHA. God, I am so twisted but yes, I did that. And it gave me a harder shell now. A really harder shell.

Plus, now when I read my blog, I'm glad I shut it down for a while. I don't want any of the bad memories littering around here.

3. The amount of people who visits my blog freaks me out. Haha. This is kinda the motivation to shut down my blog. I am a personal person. I know that's a really stupid thing to say when you have a blog in the freaking Web! But last time, when I was fourteen, I knew who goes to my blog. My friends of course and a few cousins at the sidelines. That's it. Usually I get 1 visitor a day. 5 visitors already makes me feel like a celebrity! So, even though whatever I say is incredibly personal, I knew the people who were reading understands me, will not judge me and treat whatever I posted as something personal. They understand me and in return, I understood them. I know that there is a couple stray visitors coming but the number is so small, I didn't care.

Of course, now it is different. I get 20 to 25 visitors a day. And obviously, I don't know some of these people. Most of them. And that scares me. I have to be honest and say that most of my 'friends' in UIA are not exactly friends. They are just people around. Some of them are just people I happen to be with. And there are some... who I think pretends to be my friends and doesn't really like me. It's hard to find genuine friends these days.. Either way, I do not like people using my blog just to make up their own opinions about me.

I guess the hiatus is kind of a weak attempt to shoo the stray ones? haha. Like, oh look, her blog is down, I don't think I am coming anytime soon... Yeah, I know, it's not going to work. But ah well. Hmmm....



Yeah that's pretty much sums up the situation, really. As you can see, I am not in the mood to blog. haha. I really am considering shutting the blog down completely. Later days.


-- I am so SICK of people being political nowadays. It is like nonstop bla bla bla. Everybody has their freaking two cents on the subject. It's so bloody annoying! I understand that some people have been interested in the political scene way before the elections. But now? Everybody's into it! Every blog I see has something to say about the government and the opposition and whatnot. It's like, they're thinking,'Oh! Look at that! THE GOVT LOST. Meaning I finally can say something about them without being thrown into ISA!!'. For God's sakes, please shut the hell up! You are just another poser who wants to jump into this bandwagon, okay?