for a long time, i never knew the difference between hate and disappointment. now i do. i know now that i don't hate you. i am disappointed in you. disappointed that you could hurt me like you did. i don't hate you. i don't. i don't. i don't. i don't hate you. and i know now that no one could reach up to expectations sometimes. i expect more from you but you disappoint me. but that's okay. you fell from a friend to a stranger. now, i'm saying - and i mean it - it's okay. even though we'll never be the same - it's okay. even though i'm still waiting for that old you to take my hand and go for an evening walk - it's okay. even though the world had spun under us out of our control, that we no longer have a say on what's going on - it's okay.

for a long time, i never knew the difference between hate and disappointment. i always wonder why i can't erase you. it's because it's not hate. it's disappointment.

but, it's okay now.

**

the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

i want you to be indifferent with me. ignore me. stop caring. stop saying you want to help me and things like that, things that makes my heartbeat quicker by the second, the minute, the hour. give up on me. indifference. give me indifference so i can give indifference, too. i am unhappy when you care. you care because i am unhappy. let's stop this horrible cycle with indifference. let's stop caring. i want distance. i want silence. i want everything that i didn't want years ago.

i don't know what i want. but at this time, at this moment, as we bask in the presence of our past that becomes our spectators, let's embrace indifference.

not love.

**

why can't you understand? you're not the only one broken and need understanding. this is not what you think it is. are we perfect? do we make perfect? i don't feel whole when i'm with you. i am still missing. in the dark, when only our faces are alight, i could see yours, stoic as usual. stoic. ice. unbreakable space. i need warmth. you need the same thing. call me selfish, call me whatever you want but i don't even have enough of myself to share it with you. i am broken, i am on crutches. don't lean me on me because i am a badly constructed building built on stilts of false hopes.

i wonder if i was better off alone.

**

-- this youtube was actually stolen from this guy who i used to go to school with. i think his name is... shafiq rahman? i love anna nalick but i never heard of this song before. enjoy!