the moment of truth

Hello, sleepless nights.

SPM RESULTS COMING ON 12 OF MARCH.

If I could turn back time...

hahah.

I'm scared. Really scared to the point that I think I'm going have another anxiety attack. So right now I am devoting myself to writing and photoshopping and listening to happy songs to keep my mind off. You know, when I imagine how the day is going to be I always imagine it to be a happy ending. Because I think I've tried my darndest. And, I don't want to think if it turned out bad because that sorta thinking can lead me to become suicidal and pretty much a human hosepipe. Everytime I started to imagine tears and failures and... I just feel like doing something destructive so I better not.

You know, my consolation is, if you could turn back time, what do you think you can do to improve the situation?

As for me, I can't think of any. I was stretched thin and lost my head a couple of times. If I push myself harder, I think I'll lose it entirely. Of course, this doesn't mean I never was disappointed. Addmaths. The mention of that subject alone can give me goosebumps and seize my whole entire body rigid. If I don't get good marks for my Addmaths then... I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I really honestly don't. This is the first time ever a school subject pushed me to tears - for a lot of times.

My tuition teacher predicted that I will get a B3. So yeah... A part of me wants to prove her wrong? But there's another part of me that can't muster up the faith to believe it. By the way, I HATE HER. I FRIGGING HATE MY TUITION TEACHER. There.

ANYWAY. HAPPY THOUGHTS. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.

So yes, it will be a moment of truth for us all. As for me, I haven't stepped in that school since 4th of December! There we'll get to see more of our school pals, won't we? And no, I ain't gonna do some SPM results countdown or anything. I ain't, ya heard me? Haha. And I need to sent in my UPU form. Mafan meh.

And oh yes, there will be buckets of tears from yours truly. Buckets. Don't underestimate my tear ducts. I'm probably going to start crying even before I get my results due to anxiety. haha. I am so lame but it's true because it happened before. And after I get my results? I think you all should just leave me be for awhile. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm bracing for bad news but really, I think those first few minutes won't make much sense to me. Bad or good, I'll be crying and incoherent. So, gimme some space.

Oh god, please please let me get this right. I don't know what to do anymore.

-- I always wanted to blog out about my cousin's wedding but my mind is too psyched up over this SPM results thing! Maybe never.