uninspired
Right now, it's 3 am and I'm still awake.
I've been trying my darndest to write something this past few days but I have nothing to write about. I write according to my mood. Writing to me is some sort of escapism, I guess. My life right now is not perfect but I can't pull something out of thin air.
In a way, I've changed a lot.
When I was younger, I believed that I will be immersed in the art scene. Working for some independant group or company. Living through art. My cousin once said to me that she imagined me that's the future I will pursue. I was happy with that comment because it was spot-on. I do wanted to do that. Did. Maybe. I was rebellious in that sense. I didn't want to go through the normal route. I even declared that I will never work in a 9 to 5 job ever. Nobody is going to ditch me in an office.
And now, I'm not sure anymore.
Perhaps, I am influenced by my sister. She's a Business student. Hence, her style is more professional and she is obviously into branded things now. I have to say that she is definitely different from that high school geek she used to be (it's true. she was. haha. i don't think even she can deny it). So, I am being introduced to brands like Zara, MNG, Guess etc. I've bought several things from MNG and Guess but not Zara yet. That's uncharted territory for me. Oh, and Nine West... I want something from Nine West! Shoes, bags, anything! But then again, I've always have a penchant for button-down shirts. I have no idea why.
Nowadays, I look at the high-end stores and I think to myself, I will afford these things some day. I will have a high-flying career one day. I will be successful. I will sashay into that spiffy sedan car and go to my spacious office. Yes, office. I actually don't mind working in an office anymore. That's what shocked me the most. How I can be so adamant of staying out of it before and now I am welcoming it - hoping for - a job in an office.
What happened to creating art? What happened about the different route? What happened to being different? What happened to making it independantly?
I guess I've found a different streak in me - competitiveness.
Competition can't exist in the art scene. That's pretty much ruining the point, isn't it?
And I'm scared. At least in an office environment, there's somewhat a stability I could rely on. CVs and resumes. All those things are structures I could count on.
What would I achieve in doing art? I have no idea. I'm not saying that nothing could be achieved by doing art. But what could I achieve in doing art? I don't know.
I am trading my soul for materialism. I am ready to bask in cashmere sweaters and leather seatings. A weekend trip to the spa. An apartment for myself.
Hence, I can't write. I don't know what to write anymore.
-- questions questions questions.
2 Comments:
I'm commenting from my office, yeah, i know what you're gonna say... but hey, the post struck a chord in me, so I feel I have to say something...
you know, why not pursue both? you can do the business/corporate stuff to get the 'modal' and all to start up the arts stuff while you do the arts stuff as a side or part time thing, the once you get gather up enough cash, BOOM! ok not literally boom, but you get it kan?
I used to (and still have) that fear of pursuing the artsy stuff cos you know how unstable things can be if you mess up, right? but hey, you gotta think about office work too, it's not as glamorous as ppl say. being confined to a cubicle, tedious work, calls, faxes, emails, etc. that's one reason why I'm taking up this job: to see if I can do it, and I'm doing fine despite how tedious it is (and I rather do this than nonsense AED stuff :S !!!)
what can you achieve? A LOT. don't feel like you can't, it's just a matter of confidence, that's what you told me! haha. its just how you get your stuff out there, or how you CaPub! but remember, not cheap publicity! :)
now I think I must get back to work, I guess...
- naz
awww...
who said you'd have to give up any of those choices? a person who works in an office isnt stuck to the office, and life does not revolve around the office.
things that seem to be in oppostie worlds arent necessarily so. my mom is a chemistry nerd, at school, spending hours in the lab. but she isn't just a science nerd, she loves art too. she does arts stuf, even though it is not her career, she has not given it up. in fact, she is 45 and still dreams of a CREATIVE BUSINESS. She wants to open a weddin planner/ bridal grooming/ design business with my aunts after she retires from teaching in a few years.
my point is passion and career dont need to eradicate each other. and age is just a number.
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