EXHAUSTION TO THE FECKING MAXIMUM

I am so FUCKING EXHAUSTED.

Sorry for the profanity but I AM JUST SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED.

My class's - 5 Gamma - senior page is finished! Finito. End. Tamat. Part of me feel relieved and yet, the other part of me is cringing all the way home. I am NOT satisfied. I am so not satisfied with it. If I can, I'll redo it. It's just... why can't it be perfect?? Seriously, there are times when I'll be clicking my mouse all over the place and think 'God, what is it that is missing? WHY CAN'T IT BE PERFECT?'.

But this time, I couldn't do much because it's a collaboration. There's not much I can do. How can you tell someone that you don't fancy their work much? At all? Of course, there are parts that I like but like I said, I want it to be perfect. It's hard, I guess. I don't want to come down and be all bossy. But then, I would hear this nagging voice in my brain that just screams 'PERFECTION. WHERE ART THOU?'

I have unearthed my control freak side.

Oh my god, I am a control freak. I never expected that.

For one thing, I have always been known as the couldn't-care-less one. Sure, I'd do my part but I wouldn't be raving mad about it. When given an assignment, I would be most likely shrug and take it in. No hassle or anything. But this! This is different.

I remember way back when I was still grappling with Photoshop. I am self-learned, mind you. I actually went on the Internet to find out how to do some of the techniques. I am a self-professed Photoshop geek. I am not sure why I'm crazy about the computer program. I was just am. So, I learned the basics and some of the hard stuff and also some stuff that you will only learn through experience. My friends... aren't that supportive. Sure they look at my 'artwork' but they'll just push it aside. I don't blame them, really. I'm the only one who's addicted to it. It's kinda hard to rave about something that people are not interested in. And when they ask me why do I keep doing this things, well, I couldn't answer them basically. Why do you do the things you do? I don't know. We just do. Because we like to do it. Bah! I don't know.

So, when opportunities like designing comes my way, obviously I'm gonna grab it!

Photoshop is my forte! My zone! My area of expertise! This is the only one skill which I can openly brag without feeling the least bit delusional. Well, who else do you know who can expertly photoshop stuff? Most people just know the basics. It is NOT EASY. You can't learn it overnight. Especially the 'through experience' stuff. I am good at Photoshop. Hell, just let me make it clear:

I AM BLOODY GOOD AT PHOTOSHOP.

There.

So, yes, I am being a control freak over my senior page. And control freak atikah is a messy mix. I had spent hours doing and re-doing and doing and re-doing. In fact, the third page, which I did this morning, used up FIVE HOURS of my day. And guess what? WE'RE NOT GONNA EVEN USE IT. I am upset about it really. It was tiring and it actually pushed me a bit to the edge because I suddenly have a self-esteem crisis about it. What if it sucked? What if people hate it? It's ironic that the more I want people to love it, the more people actually hate it. Ok, they don't hate it. But still. They didn't like it much because there's little pics and they're big. Well, I'm just thinking it's easier to look at right? I mean, I'm just scared that it'll turn out blurry. And the bigger the better right?

But they want more pics. So... But is is Jonnie's part anyways. Jonnie was supposed to just help me out but it turned out to be a collaboration instead. Part of me is relieved because I can just let go some stuff but the nagging voice in my head ...

What's done is done! I don't care. It's finished! Finito! Fin! End! Tamat! So, with this done, I really don't want to do anything else. At first, I wanna try out to design for the Gemala front page. Maybe after exam... if I had the time... The BM Forum Competition pissed me off. Not only it wasted my bloody time but the teacher didn't even tell me when they kicked me out! WTF right? Please, I wouldn't care the least if they said they found someone better or something but have the DECENCY to tell me. So what happens if I've been researching and doing notes about my speech when I go to the teacher, she'll just go, 'Oh, you terkeluar sebenarnya... Tapi takpelah, cikgu amik isi nih ok? Yeah?'. GRRR. I missed school on Tuesday FOR NOTHING. WHAT. FUCK.

Initially, I thought of entering this poetry contest but I suck at poems. I don't have style at all. And my exams is next week. SHIT. Didn't study for anything yet. Ah well. And SPM. I just don't get the vibe yet. Seriously, I'm not even scared of it. Soemthing is wrong with me.

Anyway, here, I insert my version of the third page which we didn't use. I just think it's pretty: Tada!!

Didn't like this one either... There's something missing... And the background is kinda plain...

WHY CAN'T IT BE PERFECT??

-- need sleep now.