thoughts and more thoughts in nilai

It embarrasses me how much Nilai is depressing me.

It really does. I wish I was more mature to handle the situation. More optimistic? More realistic (it's just four months yada yada yada)? More of the eager beaver I was? haha. I have truly forgotten all that shebang about top student, four flats and whatnot. And that kinda pissed myself off - I mean, ok the situation has drastically changed but I could see now how my resolutions are weak things just based on my happiness.

As in, if I am having the suckiest moment of my life, my exam results will go straight to the dumps. But since I wasn't, everything was rosy and according to plan.



Well, my life right now? SUCK SO BEYOND BAD. So, I'm a little worried about my studies situation here. I don't study at all. Nada. Nope. Pay attention in class - barely. Participating in class - depends which class. Study, research - what??

And I have 9 subjects.

Fuck yes. You read that right. Nine. I mean, during SPM, I took 10 subjects . And even then, there was a 10-month period of school. Try cramping nine fucking subjects in four fucking months in a fucked-up place like Nilai. So, yeah, I'm worried like hell.

And I don't know, things are screwing up left and right.

I got issues about everything. Friends. Horrible nasty lecturers (Nilai has the suckiest of everythings). Living situation. Dormmates (which is why I go back almost everyday). Pretty much everything.

Nilai has brought out the worst in me.

Selfishness.

I have become selfish, I know that. Self-preservation. The times I spent in Nilai, I only think, what is going to make me happy? What is the bright side? I'll do anything just to sustain happiness for one day. Dear god, please make today a better day. Please. Ah screw it, I'm going home.

Thus, begins the illegal off campus mode of operation for me. haha.



Bottomline: I hate everything right now. Every single shiz. It's like, I don't know. I don't have the motivation to study. All my energy is wasted on keeping myself sane and sufficiently happy for the day. I - feel - betrayed. By UIA? Yes. Silly, I know. But I hate UIA now.

Second Day in Nilai.

everytime i wish i was in dream. a bad dream but at least i could wake up. time here passes slowly. i wish march is here. i wish for many things but i doubt any of them will come true. the days seems bleak and listless. i think i spend all my energy in trying to not break down and cry on a whim. i hate this place.

Third Day in Nilai

hidup. mati. hidup. mati. macam suis lampu. kehidupan di nilai. laughing your head off with your friends - hidup. pegi kelas and realise the aircond and lights are not working - mati. sitting at the edge of the room while your dorm mates are laughing their heads off - mati. lying in bed, thinking of pj and everything and everyone in it - mati. my days are like suis lampu. a hidup-mati basis. will i ever reach neutrality? i wish i was as optimistic as before.

Don't know. In Nilai.

am i sabotaging myself? why can't i do something meaningless? why does everything has to have a meaning - an imprint in my life? why? people are tied with time. we are running out of time every second. i am wasting time. i am sabotaging myself. this is also another form of suicide. but i truly want to do something meaningless. as long as it makes me happy. am i sabotaging myself? am i? am i?



-- YES, I HAVE A COUNTDOWN CLOCK HEHE I AM A DORK :D