one hour away kajang

hmm.. i have to say this.

please read this post.

staying in smsu while living in kajang is possibly one of the biggest sacrifices i have to make up to date. it's very tiring and usually, i am sapped of all energy. i have to wake up early in the morning, trawl through morning traffic jam just to arrive at my school's gate. later, i had to drive an hour's drive just to reach home. by the time i reached home, most people has already bath or eaten lunch or both. and i'll be honest that sleeping in the passenger's seat isn't very fulfilling.

most people think i'm crazy for doing this for a whole year. i'm just glad it's passed. if i was in form 4 last year, i probably wouldn't the same for this year. school or no school, i am tired. really am. but i guess the fact that it became a routine that made the whole thing somewhat easier from time to time. but when i look back now, i think it was pretty much insane. ah well.

it wasn't all bad. there are good times, too, this year and i won't forget.

however, what's worse from fatigue is actually guilt.

yeah, you wouldn't know how guilt came in so let me tell you.

my parents especially my mum is very much against this subangjaya - kajang school thing at the end of 2005. she said that i'll be too tired, this is a very important year for me what with spm etc. however, i defied all that and she let me go with my stubborn ways. but even how adamant she was before the school starts, she was completely silent about it when school actually starts. it's really weird, well, to me it is. i mean, first she nags me nonstop then nothing. it's either she's done with trying to convince me or she has found a plausible excuse to all this. either way, she never told me and i never really bothered to find out. i'm just fine with the silence.

so all was peachy. until i start to see some complications.

for a start, my dad. from this year, i really love my dad a lot for putting up with me and my insane school schedule. i mean, he has to wake up at 5.30 for me. he has to take his breakfast at sri melur sj for me. sometimes, he has to wait for me for two hours because i am at some friend's house or at tuition or just somewhere in subang basically. why? because if he heads home, he'll reach there by an hour and if he wanted to pick me up again, he had to head out one hour earlier to reach subang. so, there's two hours wasted on the road. finally, my dad resolved that he'll just stay at sri melur for a drink or to mph subang parade until two hours end. so while i'm tuitioning for chemistry or english literature, he's just somewhere near in subang. waiting. for two hours. every week.

now, whose father is willing to do that except mine? i'm not comparing to anyone's father and i'm not even saying mine is better than anyone else's. but honestly, you have to understand my point here about guilt. we haven't even went into the petrol cost, and the tolls cost etc. etc. and he never complains. never. not even once. he doesn't even blackmail me with it or anything. in fact, he usually put my concerns first ahead of his plans.

my mum has a complete change of heart. there are times that when my dad couldn't pick me up that she herself went all the way to subang. usually, my dad will accompany her to go outstation but not last year since he's my only means of transport. so, she goes alone. and she never complains either. except that if i came out of school a few minutes late then maybe she'll nag me a bit. but she never holds it against me. and well, my sister tend to become my chaffeur, too. especially for weekends when i needed to go to subang for outings with my friends.

so, now, can you understand me? sometimes, when i can't go to outings with my friends, it's not because i don't want to. sometimes i can't. school was a good excuse but just a hangout to watch a movie at somebody's house for an hour or so? i don't even have the heart to lie to them or fabricate some facts a bit because at the back of my mind, that's not even a good excuse for me. let alone them to scramble up their plans for the day just for me. and sometimes, i really don't have transport. what can i do? i can't do much.

and i will tell you the truth that sometimes i'd just decide not to go on an outing without even asking my parents first. why? because i really don't want to drag them over something small. like for example, going for a jog around ss19 or whatever. i mean, i can't ask my dad to wake up early (around 7 if it starts at 9 since it takes an hour to go to subang meaning i have to leave at 8), send me there, wait for me in sri melur just so i can jog around with my girlfriends in a place an hour away from home. it's not.. i don't even have the words to explain how ridiculous the idea is. no offence but it is.

look, i am really glad and thankful that you all are trying to include me in. i am. it shows you care and i love you all for that. but please be considerate. you can't expect me to do all this for you. because i'm not the only one here. my family members are included too and i have to consider their feelings jugak. since 2006 was mainly revolved around my friends, now i have to make time for my family pulak. thanks for caring for me and appreciating my company but this is where i draw the line.

this is my own decision. my family has never said anything. but i think you know now my reasons, right?

this post isn't pointing fingers to anyone. in fact, i am blessed that i have some friends who understand my situation, doesn't mind and still keep me informed with things. but since last year, i have noticed a pattern from some of my friends. that they just expect me to be around and do things that i would normally do when i still lived in subang. i live in kajang now. one-hour away kajang. so, i hope that my friends who read this will understand further of my situation and my reasons behind it before things take a horrible turn. and i hope that horrible turn will never happen.

you guys have to understand that sometimes i can't be there for you anymore.

i am truly insulted and hurt if you think i purposely didn't want to be with you. because if you do think so then my year in form 5 last year is truly a waste.

-- i can go out in afternoons and evenings... but please, not mornings.