a peace of mind

Ramadhan is here yet again. I am amazed with how fast time flies. I mean, it felt just like yesterday that I had went to Pasar Ramadhan in SS18 with a bunch of friends last year. Think about it - a whole year had passed.

I'm beginning to sound very cliche. haha.

I guess it comes with age. hah. People who are older than 16 are gonna kill me for saying that but I guess I feel old. I am going to graduate soon and leave a huge - MASSIVE - chapter of my life. High school life. The only part of life which I really felt alive. I can't really remember what I did when I was younger. Didn't exactly learn much either since I was too young to understand anything. So I guess, I learned everything in high school. Academic and larger than that. Soon, high school will just be another nostalgic moment in my life. Sigh. I'm going to really miss it.

And friends.

I am sceptical about the phrase 'Friends Forever'. Very sceptical. In fact, I don't believe in it and I only write that phrase in yearbooks of people I'm not close with. Isn't that ironic? Writing 'Friends Forever!!' in somebody's yearbook when you can't even remember their names.

Honestly, with me moving to Kajang, there's little chance that I will remain friends with my current pals in the future. I know that means like a slap to some people but I know it will happen. It will. I am not that naive to think everybody is going to keep close contact with everybody. Everybody will have their own thing. Some will work, some will travel, some will study in places you can't reach - everyone will scatter. Some people get insulted when I say, 'Maybe I won't see you anymore after school ends,'. It's not that I won't make an effort to see you all but how long will this go on? Till uni life? Marriage? Anak cucu? And it's a mutual effort. If somebody stops, the other person will stop bothering, too.

Many people asked me why do I still remain schooling in Subang Jaya. And I always reply that I didn't manage to enter another school before the year starts. A lot of crap, if you ask me.

The main and only reason I still schooled in Subang Jaya is because of my friends.

Trying to keep the most precious part of my life, I guess. My whole life was in Subang. I grew up there. And I feel as though cutting it short is just... I know one way or another, I will move on. I know that but I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to totally cut off a huge part of my life. I wanted an ending. A good ending. Not just abandon things like that. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I was just too relaxed in my comfort zone. Maybe I'm not independant enough.

But one thing for sure, I'm ready for it now. Definitely.

It's funny that the very people I've stayed in Subang Jaya for - hurts me the most. I've got hurt badly by some of my friends this year. It was up to a point that crying everyday was considered normal. Don't worry, I don't do this anymore. But yeah, I was in a weird place. Staying in Subang Jaya proved to make me unhappy so does this mean that staying in Kajang would have a different outcome? Was it a mistake? For awhile, I struggled with this thought. Thinking I am the very reason I was miserable. That I could've avoided all that mess.

Then I realised that these things happened for a reason. All of them happened for a reason. Whatever you do, something big and bad will happen - you just don't know when. Some things just happen. All you need to do is move on.

My resolution for next year is this : Embrace change. You will never know what will happen when you do. However, make sure you have your brain is intact. Not all change is good for you. Speaking from experience. Ahem ahem. hahah.

I am happy to say that my emo moments - when I am lower than low - was not in vain :) . I have new perspective in everything. I guess those moments were my slap of reality and they make me grow as a person. I have broken out of my protective shell and feel more raw than ever. Sure it hurts but I prefer having it now - when I still have my loved ones close to pick up the pieces with me - than in the uncertain future. I feel stronger and feel like fighting everything. I know I deserve to have a great time. And if I don't have it right now, I will.

I know that when I fall, I will get up again. If everybody else goes away and become blissfully unaware - I will still have myself. And God, of course. When I was down, I prayed hard to God to have a peace of mind. That's all I wanted. A peace of mind - happiness and a stopper for the waterworks. And I do now. This is why I love sembahyang terawih. You feel so peaceful afterwards.

See? I'm emo but I'm optimistic. haha. Weird, ain't it?

For the last couple of months, I felt angry about SPM. Like my life wasn't messed up enough that I have to think about some stupid exam - an exam that will change my life, mind you. So I was in a fix. But now, I'm embracing SPM. Because this year, I worked hard to please other people in order to please myself. I realised that is wrong. Where was I in this equation? Did pleasing people made me happy? No.

So, scoring SPM is something I owe to myself.

Scoring SPM is the only thing that only I could give myself. Love is a two-way street but baby, only I can achieve this. Thus, this is my goal now. Yeah, I wished this whole Zen thing came, like, I dunno, 5 months before! At least there's more time for me to focus on my studies! Less than two months till SPM in counting. Gah! Me and my timing.

Oh well.

This is Atikah bidding you goodbye and tally ho. May peace be upon you.





And oh yeah, there's one more thing - I AM GOING TO PROM!


-- I won't be blogging much now. So, don't expect anything.