just be yourself?

I'm having a real pissed off mood currently and well, as usual, my mood is obvious from my MSN messenger nicks. If I was feeling kinda perky and happy, it would come out as insane as 'hidup cergas mati sihat!' or 'If life gives you lemons, shove them down your bra and make your boobs bigger!'. If I'm feeling kinda down, I'd probably change them into 'life is currently sucky..' or 'life is but a joke and it laughs on you'. Strictly emo stuff. But right now? I'm pissed. And hence, my nick is now 'no wonder I'm fucked up'. When I'm mad, the F-word is no stranger.

Somebody in my list - who haven't messaged me for months - suddenly asked since when do I curse openly. And then I explained how PMS can do things to you and how a recent argument with a family member can test my patience. He seemed amused but quickly exited from Messenger. We weren't as close as before and we don't really have much things to talk about anyways. Before he went off though - he said, 'u've changed.' and that kinda interest me a bit.

For one thing - how do you know I'm not the cursing type? Yes sure, I've never hurled obscenities in your face but how do you know I didn't behind your back? Or in my head? Or when I'm alone and the shitty thing you did came surfacing back? I could've cursed you to the next millenia but you wouldn't have known, would you? And just because I've shown a hidden streak of myself, I am now - changed, apparently. It's weirdly interesting.

For one thing that I've learned throughout my life, everyone has savage feelings. It's just the way how you handle it differs. You could be the type that want to handle things right there and then. Fistfights are no biggie to you - hey, you're pissed, some ass shall be kicked, you'd say. But there are others who smiled just as happily but once you turn your back thinking all is well, they start doing seriously crappy stuff. And of course, there's the type that just keep everything inside and hope the fire would die soon but it didn't, so you just explode - for example, by chucking a pencil in someone's face. But today's post is not about anger management (or the lack of) but about who you really are.

Who are you really?

I've seen so many of those cliched statements like 'Just be yourself!' and I wonder, who are you really? And should you stick to the person you already are? Or change? But isn't being yourself the motto of LIFE? I don't know though but if I'm crap as a person, I don't think I want to be her forever. Just imagine if I was my eleven years old self again - a good student but has no social life whatsoever. Friends? Non-existent. Goals? Short-term and reachable only. Basically, I was pretty messed up. I wouldn't give anything to be myself back then again. But what if I stuck into that mode forever? I was just being myself, right?

But I wasn't satisfied. I think that was what really made me sprang out of hibernation. I wasn't satisfied. But even till now, I'm not quite satisfied with myself a bit. By now, I'd probably have given a couple of you guys a headache with my constant blabbering. But my point is:

How could you ever be yourself if you didn't want to be yourself in the first place? And if you morphed into somebody else, does this mean you're lying to yourself? And what if the future holds a bright future for you but it never happened because you've stopped short; thought it's better to just stick to the same old you. And will you ever be satisfied enough to just stop and finally accept this is who you are?

With all that in mind, do you really want to be just yourself?

-- I think I need to go to anger management classes.