between crossroads

It's not about decisions. It's not even about me deciding since everything is decided without my control. But isn't it how it works? I'm the one offering, not taking - so its either win or bust. You know that line from that song 'Fix You' by Coldplay? The line that said, 'You try your best but you don't succeed'? It pretty much explains the situation I am in right now.

I didn't get the part for Gemala's Graphic Department. So... yeah.

Basically, I don't really know how to give a good reaction? I want to be all professional and just shrug it off but... I can't. I guess I was overconfident. The one thing I'm confident in and it still didn't work for me. But I still don't know what was the thing that made me cut out. The one thing I know is that they didn't like it.

I'm just not good enough, I guess. No need for a plainer explanation.

So, I'm just gonna try out for Photography? This Friday. I'm not confident at all. And at this rate, I don't want to be confident. I'm just gonna shack up whatever determination I had left and be done with it. I swear, some Form 3 kid just gonna walk away with the post. I could just feel it. I better make sure my pictures are kick ass though! hahah... My timing for comic relief is so whacked. I hate this. I hate this feeling.

I hope my parents didn't notice that my eyes are kinda bengkak-ish. So, you know, whateverlah. I just hope I'll get out of this sucky feeling soon because it's kinda draining. But then again, pain is productive, right? So, I'm just gonna... I'm beginning to run out of things to write right now. I don't even feel like Photoshopping after this. Random, but I didn't get to interact with him at all for days now. If people adore somebody, they want to stay in contact, wouldn't they? So why am I doing all the work?

It's frustrating to know that whatever you're doing end up going nowhere.

And no, I don't want your comments or anything. And I don't want to have an evening walk to Padang D. I don't want calls either. I want this time alone and figure out the things that I could at least have some control of. The last thing I want to do is have my friends lying to me on my behalf. Thanks but no thanks. And I seriously don't blame or ask anything from you guys. I'm sure you guys have faith in me and everything... Seriously, it's just me. It's all me.

-- Graphics was my first choice. So if I didn't have a second or third choice, I wouldn't be in Gemala, isn't it? I need my loud depressing songs now.