failing and all that jazz

Sometime around June, my mum sat down with me and with this serious expression, she asked is there anything wrong or am I having any problems. I just laughed out loud because she was being so darned serious that it's funny. I failed three exam papers out of nine and she got all hyped about it and thinking that maybe that there's SOMETHING WRONG.

I assured her that there's nothing wrong. Besides, it's all normal teenage hormonal kinda problem that made teenage soap operas like the OC really popular. And as if I tell my mum about those kinda stuff! Ok, I do sometimes but they are usually filtered and vague. So, it was fine, basically.

Now, I'm not so sure. I don't know how to explain it. I'm failing more and more and I don't even... I would freak or get pretty depress about it but minutes later, all forgotten! Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. That single word just answers almost all my daily problems nowadays. And I guess I'm worried. I'm worried that my whatever-ness is just another way of me running away from my problems - that there's actually a bigger and more complicated inner turmoil that I'm going through but I just keep ignoring it - and all these other smaller stuff are spawns of the bigger problem.

Why don't I care? I should. School is really making me tired and bored. All these school subjects. Failing and passing. It's so... pointless to me. I don't have an ambition - I don't know what I want to be and I don't know what course I'm taking in uni. I don't know what I'm going to do after school. It's like I don't know what shit I'm doing at all! There are times when I regret taking the Pure Science stream. And just wondering 'Why am I even bothering doing this?'. But I guess it's a good thing, you know - knowledge. But I just don't like how it's handled - the education system being so goddamned exam-oriented and all. I guess I better get a good grip on my life and start making serious decisions.

I guess I need to straightened-up myself. Life isn't about exams. But unfortunately, for Malaysian students, a quarter of it is exams. Hmmm... I'm supposed to study Chemistry right now. I was thinking of doing that at 10 something but now it's already 12. Is that how I deal things? By venting my feelings but do nothing much? I think my problem is inactivity and too much choices. I used to think that having a lot of choices is better than having none but now I think both of them are bad when you look at different point of views.

I'm just fifteen and I'm already tired of thinking about my future.

-- I'm scared of dying - dying inside this living body. That nothing could wake me up ever and just be lulled by whatever-whatever-whatever.