physics is so cool!

I kid you not.

Anyway, to cut story short, I received a 'pemilihan awal spm' or something like that where you have to pick the subjects you want to take for the BIG EXAM OF YOUR LIFE. And basically, I was numb. They ask us to choose now?? In a space of two days? What the...

The thing is I'm scared. I'm a supposingly Pure Science Student and what do I do? Drop Physics. What if I'm missing out? I mean, not in the sense that I won't be doing experiments on trolleys anymore (because those experiments are boring as hell) but in the sense that maybe... if I had all three Science subjects, I have more chances for a better future? I don't know. But it's not like I'm gonna be a scientist or even an engineer. But then again...

It's the kiasu-ness. It's the fricking kiasu-ness. But I'm still taking 10 subjects for SPM since I have my English Literature. Pn. Woo said that whoever is dropping any subjects, they have to go to her first. Diana and Miza both turned to me with this wicked smile on their faces. Oh gee weez. But I'm dropping Physics! So, even though I'm being a complete brat (to the teachers' point of view), it's not like I have a choice. Sub-science doesn't have any Biology and I'm cool with that subject so...

But I'm still ringing up my sister. She dropped her Chemistry and she's doing something that doesn't have got anything to do with Science at all - Business. I'm gonna ask her some stuff about this Pn. Woo lady. ahhahhaah. No, seriously. I'm scared to do this but early this evening, in my Physics tuition, I'm already tuning out. I don't see the purpose of attending and listening to this tuition when I'm gonna fail my Physics final exam paper and dropping it next year anyways. It's frigging pointless. It's like my brain had psyched itself to not care anything about Physics anymore. Preparing itself, I guess.

It's kinda cute when I refer my brain as an 'it'. hahha. Makes me wanna poke it. *poke poke* *dies*

Nowadays, I feel kinda... sad. It's hard to explain. It's not like there has only one factor but a group of small small ones combined. So, if I'm looking kinda far-away, don't come up to me and expect a reasonable excuse. If I want to tell you, I will but if I'm just not in the mood for confrontation, I'll just do nothing, okay? I tried to skip meals but my maid goes spastic everytime I do that. Somehow, I just feel so...

I feel like an underachiever. As though I'm not trying. In everything. But I just can't see the progress here. I can't see where I'm going - where anything leads to something - am I even moving forward? Forward. Am I moving that direction? I want change. I really want change. But somehow, I'm not getting the change that I want. And that makes me sad.

-- Physics no more!