it's over....?

heck. it's over. i can't believe it.

i'm depressed right now so i pretty much don't give a damn about the proper way of writing and grammar and shtuff.

pmr just ended. whoa. it felt strangely....empty. i mean after all this time, i've been rambling on and on about this stupid exam and when i finally got over it, i feel so goddamn empty. and im bored too. crap. what am i gonna do? i think all this depress mode had dropped my iq. it's low to begin with.

sorry, if this way of writing is hurting your eyes or anything but i just want to ramble on and on. blab my heart out. yappity-yap. get what i mean? i'm listening to christina aguilera's song - dirrty. love it. yeah, i know, so not me but i love this song. i like it ever since it came out so its not like i just morphed into somebody else and change my taste or anything.

anyway, pmr ended. and i ain't feelin' anythang. i see some girls were hugging each other and cheering each other on and i just wish i had that kind of release, you know. the feeling of 'woosh'. at least, i could be happy to chill out and turn into a puddle of laziness. but nope, didn't have that. only have feeling of dread. like i said to my buddies - i will only chill down when i get my exam marks. and i know i wouldn't even after that. knowing that i disappointed my mum and everybody and all. 8 A's is so out of reach now. very much.

many ppl said that i'm smart. i'm not kidding. i'm not boasting or anything because i don't do that. but it's true. ppl keep telling me that and i swear, i am pissed off with that. i mean, let it up willya? i wish i could show the world my report card so they can see all the C's and B's I GOT. I'M NOT A GODDAMN GENIUS. why can't people see that?? GEEZ GODDAMNIT

anyway, i think i know why i didn't feel the 'whoosh'. because i didn't try my hardest, did i? slacking off when i'm not supposed to. hell, i watched buffy yesterday. buffy. and now, my kh is in a mess. that is why, ladies and gentlemen, that i don't feel happy. i slack off when i'm not suppose to and when i have the chance to slack off, i began to worry about my exam. am i not the fucking genius here? i guess i used up all my happiness before the exam itself. now, im feeling like schmuck. the only thing that i'm positive of getting A is my english. my good ol' english. never betrayed me before. right.

i couldn't get 8A's now. like i said, out of reach. i could just imagine the faces on my relatives when i didn't get the flying colours. i just know. at first they would ask - 'how is it atikah? dapat berape? 8 A?'. i would hesitate then i told them. the surprise must be too shocking for them that they were speechless for awhile and then they would go sympathetic. 'ok lah tuh,' they would say, 'it's not that bad.'. not bad my ass. why are you being all sympathetic in the first place if it's not bad?? i feel like shutting away from the world. or maybe fall dead from jumping off a balcony. hmmm....

my smart cousin must be happy now. she got a damn 8As for her trials. isn't that a big sign of success or what? i hate her. maybe i'm jealous that she never have to face this large expectation from my family. she's smart - hell, a whole lotta smarter than me, thats for sure. but ppl never fawn over her. i don't know why. it's like i'm the only one that got ppl patting my back. i swear they did. they were all 'atikah! mesti terer punya! you have 8As written all over your face.' WTF?

i feel sorry for her though. i mean, just think, she work her butt off and ppl don't even care. heck, when it was our upsr, she got 5A's too but i get all the 'whoa!' just because i'm a pts. yep, felt very sorry for her. maybe i'm too confident. i remember me feeling smug for the fact that i was sure i could get 8 A's. and that was days before the actual exam. and at that time, i didn't even finish reading my books and i'm already feeling smug. that is it. it isn't for the fact that i lack confidence - i have too much confidence in my own self that it completely blinded me. and my maths.

my bloody goddamn maths.

maths are ok but somehow i'm not sure. i'm careless in maths and how much i was prepared for it - i can still make the dumbest mistake. how mental was i in maths? my tuition teacher, personally called me up after i got back from my exam to ask me how was it. and i told him the truth. that i probably going to flunk it. maybe not flunking it but sure ain't getting a decent A. haish... my buds say that i should feel this after later. i mean that thing just ended a few hours ago! what am i getting fired up for? but im glad i did. because i know that if i'm schmucked now, i won't be all depressed later on. better now than later right?

maybe i should tell my mom that i failed her....it's for better right?...it's better than having her hoping for something that will never happen... better so that she can ready herself for the failure... it gonna hurt when people being sympathetic to her... she didn't do anything and people are feeling sorry for her... am i the worst daughter in the world?... i - need - chocolates. NOW.

-- sigh...